Racist baby against anti-racist baby. Win McNamee/Getty Images
HELLO and welcome to The trash report, where I’ll serve as a human raccoon sifting through dumpsters and bringing you all the best in gossip, disgust, nonsense, and no-thanks. Mmm, and she is powerful ranking this week. Let’s dig!
Ted Cruz: National Garbage King
The scariest trash can that fell last week was the Senate confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson. Universally Reviled Texas Senator Ted Cruz took the opportunity to brag about a) doing a law review at Harvard, b) constantly interrupting, and c) getting a big messy ass, much like he did after he missed the check-in window on a flight from Montana to DC last week. Um, duh, we know Cruz will only rush to catch a flight to DC if it’s after being publicly shamed for abandoning his constituents to ride out a deadly storm in Cancun!
Anyway, here’s a creative re-enactment of the Republican issues at the hearing:
“Judge Jackson, the title of the song is ‘We Don’t Talk About Bruno.’ Every singer, at some point in the song, says they’re not talking about Bruno. Yet they *talk* about Bruno. How do you explain that?”
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) March 23, 2022
You can’t afford to live here, but stealing lousy shoes is the wrong choice
Are you interested in buy a house in Portland? Your best bet is to invent a time machine and travel to the year 2000 and catch one. New report shows housing prices in Portland have risen 200 percent over the past 20 years, making our city one of the fastest growing markets in the country. But I did a little digging and found that it was still possible to get a spot in a decent place under half a million, like this lovely one-bedroom cabin on 46th and Stark, or that repairman behind the round table on Holgate. (This pizza mansion is actually very cool, I kinda want it??)
On the other hand, if you are very very rich, you can buy Epstein’s pedophile island. If I bought it I would change the name, but I still think living behind the Round Table Pizza on Holgate would be a lot less cursed.
A 26-year-old man has been arrested following the theft of a U-Haul containing approximately $250,000 worth of Adidas Yeezys. I did the math and it works out to about $227 per pair. I have a lot of questions, the most important being: Why not cuter shoes? I swear, heists are wasted on the stickiest shit. I rarely say this, but thank you, cops, for keeping this product off the streets.
On abandoned lovers
It’s a very important anniversary:
happy 20 years to the infamous julia roberts “a low vera” t-shirt
If you don’t know the backstory, do yourself a favor and take the time to learn what a sleazy female dog is. julia robert used to be – it really is the *chef’s kiss* of the sleazy bitch.
Actor Joshua Bassetthe young man who would be Olivia Rodrigo’s ex who inspired the song “Driver’s License,” recently revealed he was hospitalized for several days after the single’s release. The Olivia Rodrigo superfan in me said ‘LOL, that looks good on you! I hope you are well“Bassett seems better now and has also become a member of the LGBTQ community since and I wish him nothing but the best, while hoping that he thinks deeply in his “discovery phase” after coming across Rodrigo during his “discovery phase”. fuck.”
And more on Breakups: Signal Amplification this missed connection on craigslist for the person who may have given us the name of Olivia Rodrigo’s next big breakup album, “Your vibes are bad and all my friends hate you.”
Knowing nothing more about the conflict, I side with the author of the post because I do not like “Judas” by Lada Gaga East makes it a dumping offence.
That’s all she wrote this week, my friends. Here is your price for reading to the end:
See you next week, dolls!